What Now?

Today, after I finished my run, I layed down in the grass in my back yard and wondered what was wrong with me. It was a beautiful day for a run - sunny, 60 degrees. I was wearing shorts and running during the free time that I had while Noah was at school, and I was listening to a really great play list on my iPod. So why was I in such a lousy mood?

Because I had spent the whole run feeling like crap. And going slower than I wanted. And trying to go faster but feeling like my legs were made of lead. And then halfway through, feeling like my right achilles was going to snap. All the while thinking, You only have 3 more weeks until the half marathon. You will never make it if you are feeling like this.

And then I realized something. I may not make my goal. I haven't wanted to think that but the truth is that with almost 3 weeks off due to spraining my ankle, and with very little time left to train, I may have to rethink what I want to accomplish on race day. For me, 13.1 miles is not something that I want to tackle under prepared. I have two options really. I can keep pushing. I can train miserably at a pace that is not realistic for my fitness level, on a foot that is really just too weak. I can push towards an unrealistic goal and drive myself crazy and ultimately be very disappointed when I can't preform a miracle on race day. Or - I can give myself permission to abandon all time goals and run the race for fun and see what happens.

I am leaning towards the second option - even though it goes against all my natural inclination. First of all, I don't want to hurt my foot, or anything else by favoring my foot, and pushing too hard could do that. Also, Wes and I had always planned to run this race together and he has already told me that he is backing off the 2 hour goal because he is just not ready. So if I back off too, we can still run together. And lets face it, when do we get an uninterrupted two hour stretch to spend time just the two of us. Not that often, let me tell you.

The problem is that for me, pushing myself towards pain and possible injury is actually easier than deciding to relax and enjoy. When it comes to the running, I am not good at the relaxing and enjoying. I like to compete against myself. I like to set a goal and reach it. I like seeing the clock and knowing that I went faster than I have before. Running the race without my watch will be hard! But I am thinking that I will try to do it. It could make for a surprisingly enjoyable day. Besides, I am signed up for the Bridge Run the next weekend so I can always go balls to wall in that race if I feel the need!